it’s been a while since I felt like I needed to open this app. That’s probably not how it’s supposed to work – sure using it consistently when you don’t feel like you ‘need’ it actually helps you to not need it for reals 🫣

but here we are – day one again. am just starting the whole 365 course over again as I’d have forgotten so much I think being a newb again and easing into the extended sessions will be best for me.

trying to think of a way I can make sure I don’t every day – my problem is I forget. The old tag onto an existing habit will be useful here – just need to pick the right habit. when i think of all the things I do consistently each day I can’t think of one that I could squeeze a wee meditation break into. I will do it though. if I can find an hour a day to scroll the internet I can find 20 minutes to meditate.

I know this works for me – I can recall exact moments when I have utilised tools and learned skills. it felt amazing and I need to hang on to that and trust the process!

“this too shall pass”

dumbledore, 1832

I have awful pain across my chest – have been like this since my dad was diagnosed and died of cancer last year. it eased a little and almost went but now I am in the same situation with my mum – less than 4 months after dad died she has been diagnosed. will find out in a few days what the plan is for treatment. hope there is treatment. I’m not ready to lose another parent just yet. selfish I know.

It sucks to be a grownup sometimes – I thought as a teenager it would be really cool to have my own place, as many pets as I wanted, travel anywhere ALL THE TIME, eat what I wanted, pretty much do what the hell I liked. and yes! there was a brief period when everything was a bit like that but soon enough later upon layer of responsibility is laid over you – not so much that you notice it…but then it’s real fucking heavy and can get a bit much. you can’t do everything you want without compromise and considerations.

don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about my life – I have it pretty good I reckon! but I do feel a bit shackled at the moment. ageing parents on both sides and a teenage daughter are taking a lot from me mentally (and physically at times).

so, I’ll mediate and write and remember who I am.